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October 30th, 2004

06:47 pm - new job I'm drinking by myself. Maybe I have a problem. I keep thinking about work stuff. There's a lot of things that I still have to do. I really like my job and I'm still excited about being promoted. I even received a lot of support from Alex, which is amazing in it's self. Amelia came to visit me on Friday. Her face was a welcomed sight, I really missed her. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: The New Amsterdams - Hover Near Fame

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September 6th, 2004

11:15 pm - sam the dj I had an hour and a half therapy session with Sam. I really do heart him now. I'm going to take his advice and try to figure out what I really want. For now, I need to stay away from toxic people. Current Mood: discontent

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May 23rd, 2004

04:51 pm - the lion's lair Last night was fun, interesting, and enlightening. Some friends have sick twisted relationships. Sharing girls isn't healthy. Sober Elenna refuses to take part in that. Gabby went home way too early and left me alone with five silly boys. Nicholas likes chocolate syrup, Antonio likes to lick, Sal gets naked, Sonny likes to share, and Danny doesn't care. My head is spining with some things that Amelia and I talked about. I'll deal with it all tomorrow. Current Mood: sleepy

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May 21st, 2004

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May 19th, 2004

11:28 pm - almost almost I'm so incredibly relieved to finally have my group psych project be over. It came out better than I thought it would. If I don't get a big fat A I'll cry and throw random things about in a violent manner. Current Mood: relieved

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May 7th, 2004

12:14 am - thursday The funniest thing I heard today: "Your getting your Jews and your slaves mixed up." - Mrs. Weinstein(May 6,2004) Current Mood: sad Current Music: The Inmen

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April 24th, 2004

01:21 pm - still sick Being and adult sucks. I have to take myself to urgent care, again. I wish my mom would take me. I almost cried last time. I should have stayed asleep today. Current Mood: sick

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April 12th, 2004

10:57 pm - 2 drag queens, 15 gays, 10 couples, and a black haired mob.... My mom knows that I had a party, but I told her that there was only ten people here. In reality, it was more like ten times six. The next time I want to get drunk at a party, i'll make sure that Richard and Alex are there to be my bodyguards. I love having them as my big brothers/cousins. The party was the bomb ass digity. I do have some fuzzy patches though. Scratch that, I have a fuck-load of fuzzy patches. I'm not sure how some things happened. I have unexplained bruises. I want someone to fill in the blanks for me, but I'm afraid that i'll only get a one-sided story. I need to learn my limits. Yesterday was really great. I love mi familia. Well, at least the ones who I was with yesterday. I don't care if this sounds vain, but I have a good-looking family. My cousins are all so purrrty and silly ass bitches too. Rich and Alex hid some of the eggs in the pool. Alex put three pennies and some cigarette butts in one of the plastic eggs. Rich and Vince were doing all this funny shit in the pool. My Nana made me something all special and vegetariano. My aunts were trying to get me drunk so I would tell them what happened the night before. Three apple martini's later and I still wasn't talking. I'd never tell them anything like that. Current Mood: amused

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April 4th, 2004

09:24 pm - grasping for air Jessica seems to think that I've found my match. Maybe, I have one too many matches and none of them are right. Time, it'll either help or only confuse me more. I'm okay to wait for now. I ran into Carmen on Saturday. She asked me if Alex was treating me okay. Even Alex's friends know that she's a bitch. I need to get out of that situation. Water doesn't seem to work anymore. I'm always thirsty. Current Mood: irritated

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April 1st, 2004

10:47 pm - 3 it's the magic number I don't think that I'm ready to share in all the glory or whatever it is. Just knowing the details makes me feel sick and alone. I hate hate myself even more for not being happy about it. I'm liable to do something stupid. Move on, move on, move on... Avianna doesn't come over as often as she use to. I miss that bitch. I need some quality sister time. Current Mood: sad

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March 16th, 2004

09:18 pm - cherry chapstick People can surprise you. Last week at work I was scolded and this week I was given praise. That's not very consistent. I made Eli cry today. I wasn't the only one. Avianna and my mom joined in as well. We are like his maternal trinity. That poor boy, but he had it coming. He better respect women when he's older. My dad told Avianna and I something today that he's never told anyone else. He was even shocked at himself for telling us. He says it slipped out. He keeps too much on, as men do I suppose. I try not to think about the should have, could have, would have's too much. It's not healthy. What is, is all that matters. Things generally have a tendency of working out even if you have to help them along. What is meant to happen inevitably will, if you stay in track. Current Mood: content Current Music: Yo La Tengo

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March 8th, 2004

06:45 pm - always never A 40 something year old black man and two fourth graders have crushes on me. My love life stinks. Current Mood: tired Current Music: Spoon - Tear Me Down

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February 22nd, 2004

09:00 pm - they drink to forget the deprivation in their lives It's amazing how a few simple words hastily said can affect the listener. I need to stand back and seriously reevaluate my life. I finally told someone that I loved them and the words were not hastily said. I want to be consumed. Current Mood: anxious

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February 16th, 2004

10:45 pm - eight water bottles later....... My head is pounding from last night. I was still drunk when I woke up. It's no fun being that sick. I lost my glasses. I feel naked without them. My mom assumes that someone spent the weekend with me. She's never subtle about anything. I wonder what she thinks of me. I don't really care. I'm just curious. She's generally off base about everything. I feel like getting high. Current Mood: groggy

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February 15th, 2004

08:22 pm - I wish I stayed asleep today Everyone is leaving Morningside. It makes me sad. I'll give it more time. If I'm not satisfied in three weeks, then I'll ask to be transferred. I guess the good times can't last forever. I had a post-it note stuck to my shoe the other day. I didn't bother to take it off, I thought it was beautiful. I keep on having these horrible visions of me cracking my skull open or some other bloody accident. I wish that I had time to paint. I don't have time for anything anymore. It's almost time for me to go, but I'm not ready yet. Current Mood: cold Current Music: The Cure - Join The Dots

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January 31st, 2004

06:23 pm - the district sleeps alone tonight I hate how everyone reminds Shirley of a random cartoon character. She must have watched way too much television as a child. Art was all up on my milk shake yesterday. I backed away the first time, but he just got closer anyway. I had to put away my Psycho Cybernetics, I just couldn't focus. I'd like to put him on a shelf, but I don't want him to touch me. There are way too many things that I'm just not ready for. Current Mood: busy Current Music: Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Countdown

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January 20th, 2004

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January 14th, 2004

12:20 pm - stars at noon Those green eyes keep telling lies. I wonder if he gave Maribel the same speech that he gave me. "The good one's always leave, blah, blah, blah....." It's hard for me not to put up a guard. Maybe, the next visit will be different now that he knows. I'm counting the days. It could be today. It's too quiet sometimes, but never quiet enough. It's sucks being in the middle. Yesterday, I felt Brianna's tears. I was there before and still am in a way. Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Sea Ray - Revelry

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January 6th, 2004

11:37 pm - elevator take me home I don't know who to believe anymore. Uncle, my ass! I know he's got to be that baby's daddy. Maybe I'm just going crazy. But it's easier for me to let go by being upset and thinking of him as a fucking liar. Things are beginning to change, though I'm not sure in which direction. I can either go with the flow or make my own path. We'll see. My mom might not be able to work for two years. She can't be home for that long. She'll go crazy along with the rest of us. She's just not the stay at home type. She went to school for two years to get her LVN license and now who know's when she'll be able to use it. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Belle & Sebastian - Step Into My Office Baby

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December 10th, 2003

12:12 am - You didn't care to know who else may have been you before. Relapse? I think that's what it was, but then why does time stand still when I get the calls. Temporary insanity? I think that I'm getting better about it though or at least I'd like to pretend that I am. Current Mood: sleepy

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